Confession time…I’ve always loved questions. Sometimes, however, they can be seen as a personal attack on leadership and management decisions. Especially when it seems like we’re complaining. Of course, it’s different for every workplace environment. The right questions can teach us a ton quickly by getting explanations, confirming strategies or adding value to a project through “question ideas”. But questioning, even the healthy kind isn’t my focus here. Stay with me…
There is a definite stigma surrounding the concept of “complaining”. It’s often seen as a negative when people have the courage to bring difficult things forward. Whether it’s workplace culture or a more benign topic our response to it can make all the difference. How do we respond? Is it always appropriate to the situation? Is our response technique positive & encouraging or damaging?
A young man I had the pleasure of having in a leadership development workshop was the bold questioner type. Unfortunately, his queries weren’t always met with empathy or any sense of compassion in weekly meetings. He began to feel belittled in front of his peers & unsupported by leadership. This response style was very damaging to his self-esteem & depression set in. It wasn’t long before this treatment caught the attention of his supervisor. The situation was addressed but the “hurt” was not able to be overcome. They decided to arrange for a transfer to help get him on track. Just about 1 week before the switch, having fallen into a “hopeless” state the young man took his life.
Bullying had won.
This is an extreme example but the shock value shines a light on a basic premise; to see others not as things to be used but as people to be loved. We all deserve that & frankly, deep down, expect it. This should never be tolerated by anyone regardless of title or position in any enterprise. Of course not, right? We all naturally agree, but do our actions support this sentiment? If we expect it for ourselves, what makes us so quickly forget when it comes to others? The triggers are for each of us to discover but here are some thoughts to help.
The 5 Second Rule
Wait 5 seconds before responding. This aids in processing what has been presented & reframing the challenge. Take some notes, actually count to 5, whatever slows you down a bit. At first, this exercise will seem like time has stood still. Over time it will prove to be very valuable & others, you’ll notice, will pick up the waiting habit as well. If you’re like me & your brain is loading up a response just as quickly as people are talking this will save you! For honesty to happen we have to respond tactfully to build trust.
Complain Up
In the movie “Saving Private Ryan” this concept comes up. Of course, this is a military movie & in the deep hierarchy of this type of organization, leaders can be sheltered by rank. Subordinates can learn to just do their job, not question orders & squelch their individual thoughts. This is part of being “institutionalized” inside any organization. The way our companies are set up can conspire against us. Developing a healthy environment that encourages & embraces engagement can be a lonely venture. It’s worth it though! Since we all have a “boss”, simply have people bring things up with the next title or position above them. This will serve to properly frame the details of the concept/idea & remove the feeling you’re working on some secret agenda. To get traction on any idea we need buy-in from those we work with. This concept can cause the necessary momentum needed toward any change initiative. After all, you don’t have a “movement” until someone else joins you!
Challenge the Process (not the people)
I’ve come to embrace fixing the process & coaching the people. If we boil down what has been presented to the 1%, the essence, we often find the issue is something in the way of people being productive. A failure of a process, not the people. This has led to frustration & manifested itself in a complaint. When we focus on fixing it, the people feel supported & trust is built. Processes don’t have feelings, people do. Solving a process energizes our creative energies in the right direction & puts the emphasis on a learning faster environment. A win-win in anyone’s book!
One of my favorite books examines this topic from a different angle. In the book “The Four Agreements“, the second agreement is “Don’t take things personally“. It says…
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Wow! What a concept to digest. If we can get to the point where we recognize this as truth, it does wonders for the workplace. Jealousy & contempt fade. Competition with co-workers is replaced by collaboration. Just like life, this is easy to say, hard to do. It’s supposed to be hard if it was easy everyone would already be doing it! Nothing in life that comes easy carries much meaning anyway. Get this little book of wisdom, you’ll love it!
Before ever discovering this book, a couple coaches I worked for instilled this concept in their own way. They were upfront with players telling them they liked each of them as people. Respected them for the commitment they had made & the people they were becoming. But at times we would not like their football & it was our responsibility as coaches to correct to make them better. If they took this personally it would only inhibit personal & team progress. This process is never easy but separating these helped remove a huge barrier to improvement…negative emotional responses.
A Bit of Psychology
The head coach of a staff I was on instilled a process of coaches yelling at coaches, never the players. After all, as coaches, we were responsible for teaching the players what we needed them to do. By yelling at each other it reinforced that concept. This engaged the players to work hard & pay attention so their coach didn’t get scolded in front of everyone. Loyalty soared & team unity was built quickly. The value of this can’t be understated. By creating an environment where players (workers) can become the best version of themselves, can really excel with their talents, the team improves exponentially. It also encourages leadership development from all the coaches whose primary responsibility is serving those they lead. Years later I learned several great coaches have used this technique to great success. He borrowed a great concept for sure! Leaders holding each other accountable for good & bad just works. Our staff loved it & you will too!
Here’s a quote from one of the great organizational culture builders of our time. The relevancy of his words is filtered through our own lens but nonetheless, it’s worth including. It certainly hits home with me to remain open in accepting a breath of fresh air no matter where it comes from!
“Only self-confidence makes freedom & dissent possible. An organization that brain-washes employees to think alike will only breed complacency & make itself unappealing to anyone who might inject some oxygen into it.” – Ricardo Semler
By encouraging everyone to “complain” in a healthy tactful way & altering our response methods, the entire team will realize a value greater than the sum of the individuals in it. Isn’t that the place we all want to work? Two quotes to ponder…
“Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.” – Cherokee proverb
Get to the 1% of the issue, not what the person complaining didn’t do to fix it. Yesterday is gone, move forward today by finding & owning the solutions!
“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Gandhi
Life takes guts to live authentically. Encourage it, live it & embrace complaints with compassion!
All the best,
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